A New Beginning…again
So, here I am.
I’ve come to yet another juncture in the road of my life. I am 33…and yet I feel 23 and 43 at the same time.
How did this happen?
How did I allow myself to fall apart yet again?
My whole life, I have gone from relationship to relationship. Some good (for a while) and many bad.
What was I looking for?
Did I find it?
For most of my life, I have suffered from the “Nice Guys Syndrome”. If you don’t know what that is, but you’ve said things like…
“I’m one of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet.”
“I’m not like most guys.”, or
“I’m actually ashamed of my gender.”
…chances are YOU ARE A “Nice Guy”.
“What’s wrong with that?”, I hear you ask, “The world needs more nice guys…there’s so many arseholes out there…and for some reason, chicks like them better”.
If you secretly feel resentment or frustration towards women and other people in your life, in general, chances are YOU ARE A “Nice Guy”.
Cause and Effect
Before you start ranting about anything, please understand that this is actually a serious mental problem for us men and any anger you’re feeling at the implication that “nice is bad”…is actually part of the problem.
The problem, my friend, is that the paradigm you are seeing the world through…the map…the filter…is flawed. You have developed a mindset to approach life with that was based in your early childhood survival.
You developed this approach to life because you did NOT GET YOUR NEEDS MET in a timely manner.
This doesn’t mean you had unloving parents. They may have seemed perfect to you. It means that with your child brain, you truly believed you were the centre of the universe…and because of this, anything that happened or did not happen MUST have been a result of you.
This is how all of our brains and subsequent personalities develop. The only difference is in the way we chose to interpret the events.
For some of us, there was no effect, but for others…
I am making this site and my YouTube channel Nice Guys Anonymous for you. I am making it for me. I am making it because we have suffered long enough.
Attracting the Pain
Ever fallen in love with a girl and started a relationship only to have it end abruptly and be told “You changed!”. I have felt and known this pain all too well, and I don’t care to feel it again.
I honestly thought the last relationship I had before this one was so hectic and insane that it would never happen again…but that’s the problem: we attract crazy women. We are ATTRACTED to them.
By the way, I use the word “crazy” as tongue-in-cheek. These women are normally beautiful people in their hearts, but they have an immense amount of inner turmoil to deal with. I mean no disrespect.
They have an abusive past, possibly physically abusive, possibly sexually abusive, but I can guarantee there was some abuse. There’s something just not right with them, but you see…we like that.
The “Nice Guy” in us wants, and NEEDS, the love we never received as a child. We want partners who somehow represent the parent who did not provide the love we needed. We think if we can fix the partner, we can fix the mother or father…and hey, if we help…we might get love…
This issue doesn’t just afflict men, but for the purposes of assigning my available resources to this task, I will speak only to the men for now.
Perhaps at some stage, I will bring a “Nice Girl” on board to give her opposite account.
So, what are we really talking about here?
We’re talking about a lack of self-love. We’re talking about a lack of person self-worth and boundaries. We’re talking about a false paradigm that we perpetuate in a desperate attempt to feel love…never realising that we are love itself and have value simply by existing.
We’re talking about not getting your needs met.
In a nutshell, “Nice Guys” believe the reason they did not get the love they needed (in a timely manner) was because THEY HAD NEEDS.
The subsequent paradigm that child created was this…
“I didn’t get love because my needs were not as important as my mother’s/father’s. If I want love, I have to meet their needs first”.
This simply but toxic paradigm is the very causality for the pain and suffering of both men and women affected by this “disease”.
The man, who has since repressed all his masculine energy in the absence of a suitable father figure to balance this error, has now based compass on the “true north” of his mother…and subsequent female influencers.
He now looks to “her” for guidance, for support, for validation, for advice and direction (something a man should always have in life). This causes him to focus on “her” so intensely and with so little regard for his own desires and direction in life that he begins to suck the life from her.
Slowly but surely, she develops a deep-seated and very real resentment for this fake man…this pretend adult…this trick of emotions.
He is not a man. He is a boy…looking for his mother’s love.
Take a Step Back
This is the beginning of the end of the relationship between him and his lover. It had already begun to end before it even started.
Any of this sound familiar?
It’s not your fault…but that doesn’t mean you’re not responsible for fixing it. Nobody else will fix it for you. Stop expecting them to.
If all this is a bit much to take in at once, don’t worry…I will be blogging every day on the topic and making YouTube videos about the Nice Guy Syndrome as well. You will learn how to overcome this and become and integrated man. A man who loves himself exactly for who he is and knows his value in the world.
I’m not claiming to be an expert in this field – I am simply sharing my experience with it and what I have learned so far. There are lots of books on the subject, as well as accompanying subjects, such as mindfulness, self-esteem and manhood.
Please understand that this goes far deeper than your relationships with women. It is about your relationship with your heart, your soul and your purpose in life.
It will make more sense as we proceed. You’ll see. For now, thank you for joining me and taking the time to read my post. If you like what you see and you want to learn more, subscribe to my blog and/or my Nice Guys Anonymous YouTube channel and let me know.
Luke de Vere